Stepbrothers, Jockstraps and Making Out
by thegirlformerlyknownasB
Summary: Kurt's stepbrother is a jock with a weird tendency of serial dating, his best friends are a mix of divas and closet lesbians, and the SEX GOD he has the hugest crush on is dating the most evil person in the history of ever. And Kurt... well, Kurt is just a teenage boy dealing with the strifes and hilariosity of every day life through writing in his diary and stalking DISCONTINUED
1. Hello, Friends!

**_New story based on Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison. Wonderful book. It's British. And I'm American. So the original is funnier than my Glee spoof of it._**

**_I don't own Glee. Or the book above. Yup._**

**_Hope you enjoy. Review?_**

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><p><em>Hello, future obsessive fans! (Once I'm on Broadway or have designed my own clothing line-or both!- then you all will be fans; I will have to beat you off with my stylish walking stick andor cane.)_

_Anyway, I am writing you this letter from my bedroom in the most exciting place in the universe: Lima, Ohio. WTF, right? Where is that? Well, you could try looking it up, and you would find it, but it is not worth the effort. Here is my point: unless you speak Cleveland'ese you may not understand what I'm going on about in this book. Well, join the club, I say! How do you think I feel? I am me, and I never understand what I'm going on about._

_…_

_However, I hope you enjoy my diary._

_Looooooooooooooooove,_

_Kurt_

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><p>Sunday August 23<p>

11:35 am

There are six things horribly wrong with my life:

1) My nightly skin routine has failed me, for I have developed a zit!

2) It is on my nose.

3) My father decided to be nice and do my laundry, but mixed my white and colored clothing.

4) In fourteen days, summer will be over, and it will be back to school with sadistic teachers and peers who enjoy torturing me.

5) I have nothing to wear. Ever.

6) No one knows I'm gay.

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><p>Same Day<p>

4:00 pm

Mercedes came over. We decided we would discuss the costume party incident. Trust Rachel to throw an awful party.

"I mean, Rachel didn't even dress up! She said she was Barbara Streisand!" I exclaimed in all my fabulousness.

"Ooooh, boy! She was trippin!" My bff agreed. I knew I loved that girl for a reason. Just not the one everyone thought I did...

She said I looked super hot in the skin tight cat suit I wore to the Rachel's costume party, but when I had to pee half way through the party, I had to ask her for help. Of course people heard us grunting and making apparently very sexual noises in the bathroom trying to get it off. The costume- I mean. Once I had finished relieving myself, we exited the bathroom to the sight of the entire glee club standing around the door. Laughing. "Wanky." Santana added. Ugh. Kill me now. I will never be able to show my face in public again. At least, my secret is safe for now.

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><p><em><strong>Please review and lemme know whatcha think!<strong>_


	2. I Just Met a SEX GOD

**Started typing this three times and it didn't save. Gosh flipping poop. Retyping it was a pain in the flipping butt.**

**I don't own Glee or ATandFFS by Louise Rennison.**

**Enjoy.**

**Review, pleeaaassseeee.**

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><p>Wednesday August 26th<p>

11:00am

I have no friends. Not one single friend. No one has called or texted or Facebooked me. I may as well be dead.

12:03pm

Omigaga. Dad just had me bond with my stepbrother who just moved in with us. Stepbrother! He insists on calling me *cringe* _dude._ He's a freakishly tall football player named Finn. Sure, he's also in Glee with me, but it's different now that he's my brother. We're going to share a room- I mean, what if he leaves his dirty boxers on my bed? EW.

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><p>The Next Day<p>

Just met the cutest boy ever! He is literally a SEX GOD. I had to deliberately shut my jaw to avoid drooling over and on him. I met him while I was working at dad's tire shop. In my overalls.

"Can I get lube here?" The Sex God asked. I gaped at him (attractively, of course) and replied wittily.

"Yeah. People get lube from me all the time. I use it a lot." I didn't realize what I had said until he burst out laughing. "On the cars, I mean! I use it for the, I mean…. Ugh. I'm just going to shut up now and go get your… supplies."

He giggled again and muttered, "yeeaaaah."

After getting his lube ("Wait, you don't have flavored?" he asked, still laughing) he drove away. I hit my head on the car as I went back to work, sighing internally at the thought of the yummy boy who had just left.

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><p>Saturday August 29th<p>

10:01am

Blaine. That's the Sex God's name. Blaine! Finn and I ran into him accidentally- no I was NOT stalking him- at Giant Eagle, the grocery store.

I thought he was talking to fruit when I saw him, but it turns out he had been singing under his breath. I'm very observant.

We approached him very cool and casually (after I put away my binoculars).

"Hi! I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you. I gave you lube!" I mentally facepalmed.

"Oh yeah. I remember." The Sex God stated rather flippantly.

"I'm Kurt!" I yelled rather enthusiastically and fluttered my eyelashes appealingly.

"Blaine." He made a weird face at me. "Is something wrong with your eyes?" I stopped.

"Uh…" I giggled nervously. "Noooo."

"Waiiiiiiiiit," Finn began. "Kurt gave you lube? He wouldn't give me any the other day because he said he used it all!"

…there is such a thing as being too honest.

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><p>Monday September 7th<p>

2:20pm

First day of school just ended. Blah. I had an awful time.

People don't appreciate good fashion anymore. My new shirt was ruined by a well aimed (depending on perspective) slushy. Neanderthals.

On the bright side, Blaine goes to my school. I'm pretty sure he's new, because I haven't seen him at school before.

On the non-bright side, he has a boyfriend named Sebastian who hangs all over him constantly. Who is that backstabbingslutfacedhobag anyway? I think it's time to investigate!

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><p>Thursday September 10th<p>

2:30pm

I'm still in the closet. Brittany and I are going on a date tomorrow. Huh…

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><p>Friday September 11th<p>

11:04pm

We went to the movies and then came home and hung out in my basement. We made out a lot.

I made a few observations throughout the night: Brittany enjoys sitting on people, using her tongue, and thinks my hands are baby soft. Also, boobs are gross. Just sayin.

12:00am

Finn seems to like boobs. He talked about how nice Quinn's were when I told him about my date. I tried to grunt in a masculine way in agreement, but I don't really think that worked.

"Dude, you okay? Are you having gas pains or something?" I could have died.

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><p>Sunday September 13th<p>

11:42am

Sex God sighting! He and his (stupid, ugly, dumb) boyfriend both work at the little book shop a few minutes away from my house.

I had been staring at him while he was helping different costumers and flirting with _Sebastian_ for about an hour when he finally looked up and noticed me. I quickly picked up the closest book to me and pretended to be super engaged.

"What's Your Poo Telling You?" He lifted an eyebrow.

I almost fainted. He's so perfect.

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><p><strong>Review. 3<strong>


	3. Soooo Much Has Happened

**Sooo... once upon a time there was a person named ME who didn't update any of her stories for forever. This story consisted of me not updating my stories in forever.**

**Umm... I hope you didn't leave. Cuz that would be sad.**

**I don't own anything. I really don't. Except maybe the shirt I'm wearing, but that's beside the point.**

**I hope you enjoy. Review? Yell at me? Love me? **

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><p>Monday September 14th<p>

3:25 pm

Sex God sighting today! Well, twas more than a sighting actually. I talked to him. Without mentioning poo. Hurrah! Yay for small victories.

You know, I do have a habit of spouting arbitrary comments at the worst of moments. The first time I met Finn he started talking about giraffes to me and I informed him that in the 1600s the Spaniards sold sassafras as a cure for syphilis. That was an awkward moment.

Anyway, he (the SEX GOD, the gorgeous, sexy, amazing, slightly hobbitish man who is my future husband) was walking down the hallway at school with his boyfriend when I subtly bumped into him.

"Oh! I did not see you there, kind sir! I beg your forgiveness!" I said with total casualosity. He smiled and said.

"Gee wiz!" He exclaimed in response. "Of course I forgive you. I'm positutely sure it was an accident!" Then he grabbed my hand and we ran off into the sunset.

It happened just like that. Seriously. Sunset and everything.

…not. I wish. This is what actually what happened:

I actually did run into him in the hallway. Except I fell (totally gracefully, of course).

"Oh, sorry!" Blaine said sounding kind of panicky. His boyfriend stood beside him laughing at me. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to run into you. I hope you're not hurt." He brushed the lapel of my jacket and I stared into his beautiful eyes, eagerly awaiting the moment he would fall in love with me. He waved his hand in front of my face. "Are you okay?"

"Nnnnng-huh?" I replied, lost in his gorgeous face. A cackle from the cow behind the Sex God awoke me from my trance. "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm good. Totally good. Absolutely good. Did I mention that I'm good?" I awkwardly scratched the back of my neck.

"Hey, babe, did he mention he was good?" The Evil One snarked. That is the Sex God's boyfriend's new name. The Eviiiiiiiil One. The Sex God laughed good naturedly and patted me on the back.

"S'later Kurt!"

"B-b-b-bye Blaine…."

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><p>Thursday September 17th<p>

7:33 pm

I've come out of the closet. My very fashionable, 100% designer closet.

My father knows. My friends know. My car's windshield is shattered.

I don't have a girlfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Blaine looks at me oddly now. The Evil One continues to glare at me constantly.

I don't know why.

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><p>Saturday September 19th<p>

2:21 pm

Operation Stalk the Sex God and the Evil One has begun. Phase One: follow the Evil One around all day long. Our Objective: figure out why the Sex God finds the Evil One so appealing.

"Does everyone have their mustaches?"

Mercedes, Tina and Rachel nodded their heads and put their mustaches on.

"Top hats? Glasses? French accents? How about your different walking styles?"

Rachel began demonstrating her limp while Tina attempted a swag. Mercedes began whirling herself around in a wheelchair.

"Okay. Awesome!" I grinned at my three best friends. "We look totally inconspicuous and we are going to stalk the heck out of this guy who totally doesn't deserve my future husband!" I sang the end of the sentence giddily. My plan was going to work and I was excited, danggit! I was allowed to be.

4:47 pm

Sex God and Evil One just met to go to the movies. We sat two rows behind them and whenever they would lean in to start making out, one of the four of us would throw popcorn at them. Then we would (very non-suspiciously) turn our heads and stare in a different direction when they turned around to see who was throwing the popcorn at them. It was quite fun! I think I might want to sabotage dates more often.

11:07 pm

I just got home from the craziest night ever! The Evil One went to a gay bar and met with a secret lover or something! None of us could get in because apparently females in mustaches, top hats, fake limps and fake accents are not the most appealing clientele. I could have gotten in without the disguise, but I wasn't going to leave my girls.

We headed back to my house for a sleepover.

"So what do you think Sebastian's doing there?" Rachel asked while stuffing her face full of popcorn. I grimaced at her eating habits.

"Please don't say its name." My voice dripped with disgust. I pride myself on my ability to do that.

"I think he's meeting another lover!" Mercedes suggested as she flopped onto her stomach.

"Or maybe he just likes to go dancing and drinking…" Tina added meekly. I looked around at my girls.

"What do you think, Rachel?" She smiled deviously.

"I think we need to get into that bar."

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><p>Tuesday September 22nd<p>

8:35 pm

Sometimes life gets so discouraging. I don't have a duet partner in Glee and I got slushied multiple times today. You would think that something somewhere would have sympathy for the poor gay kid, but apparently not.

I just want to be loved. Is that so hard to ask?

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><p>Thursday September 24th<p>

6:25 am

I woke up this morning and thought of the most brilliantest thing ever! I should get the Sex God to join Glee! DUH! Why didn't I think of that before?

I mean, how perfect would that be? It would be my two favorite things put together. A hot boy, and singing/ music/ personal expression. It would be totally fantastical.

I will walk up to him at school today and have a magical moment. I will tell him to join Glee so he can be with me always. He will shout yes Gleefully (punny!) and run off with me into the musical sunset.

I can't get enough of those sunsets. I will continue imagining those until I actually get one. I am freaking determined to get my sunset. And a rainbow for that matter.

Anyway, I am so excited for school now because I have to talk to Blaaaaiiiiiinnnneeeee. *sigh* He's so dreamy. I can't even stand it. I hope he's not hanging out with the Evil One. What if the Evil One tries to join too? What if Blaine doesn't even want to join?

I'm tired. Maybe I'll skip school today.

6:30 am

I'm going back to sleep. I told my dad I was sick.

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><p><strong>REVIEW.<strong>

**Yell at me?**

**Love me?**

**Review? **


	4. I've Missed You All

**So, I have officially not written anything for this story in over a year.. for no apparent reason. I had absolutely no good reason to be on an unofficial hiatus, and I totally understand if you all completely hate me and none of you start to read this again, but I absolutely PROMISE you that I will update this once a month until I think it's over. And If I don't, then I give you full permission to kill me, hang me from the gallows, whatever. Or just threaten me with strong words.. But yeah. I WILL finish this. I promise. **

**EDIT: 6/15/13**

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><p>Friday September 25<p>

4:30 PM

THE SEX GOD HAS LANDED! Oh, today was just full of fabulosity—you would never believe it- no you would not! Blaine joined Glee! I can not contain myself! I have been doing happy dances all afternoon because I am happy. Would you believe that? Happy dances inspired by happiness!

On the not-so-bright-side, THE EVIIILLLL ONE, also joined Glee, but he's a skanky ho, so nobody cares about what he does. Everybody in Glee ignored him anyway, because they all love me and hate him, so he might just quite because he felt so unwelcome.

Ugh. I'm so happy!

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><p>4:31<p>

Have I told you how happy I am?

…

Pretty dang happy.

…

That's how happy.

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><p>5:00<p>

He joined because I asked him to. At lunch. I literally sat down at his lunch table- in front of his friends and boyfriend and everyone else- and asked him to join Glee! Literally! He said he would come to today's meeting, and Sebasti- I mean, THE EVIL ONE, glared at him and told him he shouldn't go because it's suicide.

Well, you want to know what, stupid ho? He WENT, and he LOVED it! (And he will also love me and leave you in the dust, I just know it. We will be married and live happily ever after. So there.)

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><p>Saturday September 26<p>

7:00 PM

In three hours, the girls and I are going to the club to investigate the backstabbingslutfacedhobag, better known as THE EVIL ONE. I am very very excited to find out what we're going to discover. Maybe we'll find a torrid love affair, or drug dealing, or- GASP- I don't know, I can't think of anything else. I just wanted to be dramatic.

Anyway, I need to find something to wear!

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><p>7:05<p>

I have looked through my entire closet and I have nothing even remotely club- worthy! UGH! My life is literally over. I should just die now.

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><p>7:06<p>

Maybe I could wear my cat suit?

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><p>7:35<p>

Cat suit was NOT a good idea! I just got it off. I still look super hot in it, but I couldn't breathe or move. It would be perfect for date rape, but that's not what I'm going for tonight.

I literally have NOTHING to WEAR! OHMIGOD. Maybe I'll call Rachel and ask to borrow some of her clothes. There was that time I dressed her up as skanky Sandy from Grease.. maybe if I borrowed those pants..?

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><p>9:45<p>

Outfit is a success. Rocking the skanky Sandy pants, guyliner, purposeful bed- head, and skintight top. Totally club- worthy. Now we have got to do some sleuthing.

Oooh. That sounded dirty! Sleuthing…

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><p>Sunday September 27<p>

2:30 PM

I don't remember much of what happened yesterday.. I just remember seeing THE SEX GOD grinding all up on THE EVIL ONE at the club and then.. something about bambi.

I'm so depressed. I've been praying to the ceramic god all morning- which is a freaking stupid expression for me to use considering I'm not religious- and I just want to feel better. Not only is my tummy hurting, but my heart is, too. They were there together. Apparently the secret lover from the last time was just Blaine, because it sure was Blaine this time…

I just want to die.

Nobody call me. I don't want to talk to anyone.

Nobody.

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><p>2:31<p>

Nobody has called me yet! I have no friends! Am I a social recluse? Why isn't anyone calling to ask if I'm okay? Nobody has even sent a text to say they're sorry for my loss.

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><p>2:40<p>

I am all aloney on my owney in this doggy dog world.

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><p>3:45<p>

At least I have Finn. He brought me warm milk. And then talked about Rachel's boobs.

…

I thought he was dating Quinn.. Oh well. Best not to think about it too much.

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><p>Thursday October 1<p>

4:30 PM

THE EVIL ONE quit Glee. THE SEX GOD stormed out after him. Besides that the week has been extremely quiet.

Dad and Carole haven't bothered me about anything- AT ALL- which is a miracle and completely shocking. Because nagging me is in their job description.

My friends were properly sympathetic once the school week started and gave all their excuses for the radio silence on Sunday. I decided not to be mad at them since they were being such good friends at that point. I did want to point out that I could have died on Sunday and they wouldn't have known, but I didn't.

Because I'm a good person.

ANYWAY, Blaine stormed after his slut after his slut announced he quit Glee. That was the most dramatic thing to happen all week. I think THE EVIL ONE got tired of all of us glaring at him every time he talked, or moved, or breathed. He was probably tired of us harassing him. Blaine certainly didn't seem to care his boyfriend was being harassed. In fact, he seemed much more intent on talking to.. well,

MEEEE! Ugh, I'm so in love with him, it's crazy! And obviously, he loves me too! Maybe.. Kind of.. at least, sort of? At least, he will grow to love me in the future. I'm sure of it.

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><p><em>Hello lovelies,<em>

_It's been a long time, I know! I haven't been carrying around my journal as much lately, and you know how things go… I forget to write stuff down.. Don't be worried if you don't hear from me for long periods of time! I'm probably just.. jacking off or something!_

_Ooops, did I say that? Nope. Someone else clearly did. _

_WHO LET THE EVIL ONE WRITE MY LETTER TO THE READERS? I'm going to slap a ho. _

_Anyway, I love you all, and thanks for reading my angst and troubles and woes. _

_LOOOOOOOVE,_

_Kurt xoxoxoxo_


	5. I Have a Boyfriend?

**New chappie. :D Greetings, friends! Hope you enjoy! I love you all. Let me know if you like it. :) :) :)**

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><p>Friday October 2<p>

4:30 PM

.GOD. I canNOT even believe what happened today! Blaine…

KISSED ME!

And then he ran away really quickly, but that doesn't even matter, because HE KISSED ME!

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><p>4:31<p>

In Glee, we were assigned duet partners, and I got Blaine! He and I went to the auditorium to practice AND THAT'S WHEN HE KISSED ME!

Okay, so there was more build up than that, but still. It was perfect until he ran away in panic. So I know what you must be thinking: Are Blaine and THE EVIL ONEEE still together? Umm.. yeah. I think so. But not for long, because Blaine clearly loves me. He kissed me. That proves it.

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><p>5:30<p>

We were talking about life. Blaine mentioned how complicated and awful THE EVIL ONE is and how he doesn't want to date him anymore. I told him that if I dated him I would treasure him and love him and I would never treat him the way THE EVIL ONE does. Blaine told me I'm really sweet and endearing and then he kissed me.

His lips are so soft and he kisses me with the perfect amount of pressure. It was delicious. I'll never be able to eat anything ever again! Ugh. I love him, I love him, I love him.

I won't be able to sleep tonight because all I will be thinking of tonight is him! Maybe I'll dream of him. I hope I will! Maybe I'll have a sex dream- OHMIGOSH. That would be crazy… and kind of awesome. I should go to sleep now!

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><p>5:33<p>

I can't sleep. This isn't working. Ugh.

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><p>Tuesday October 6<p>

11:30 PM

I still haven't been able to sleep. Blaine's been ignoring me; he started immediately after we performed our flawless duet. And he hasn't dumped THE EVIL ONE yet. And we haven't run off into the sunset yet. And my life isn't perfect. I don't know what to do.

Plus, Finn is acting really weird. I found a dildo in the bathroom we share the other day, and I know for a fact it isn't mine. I'm pretty sure that's why he's acting weird. He saw me find it. Well, he heard me find it. I screamed at the top of my lungs, because, I mean, really? What would you do?

Yeah. It's awkward.

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><p>11:45<p>

My life sucks. I can't get over any of this. I'm supposed to have the perfect family and the perfect boyfriend. Not what I have right now. Which is crap.

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><p>Friday October 9<p>

2:30 PM

I skipped Glee today because I need extra time to get ready for my date. You probably got excited for me because you thought Blaine dumped THE EVIL ONE, got his wits together, and asked me on a date. Well, he didn't. Nope.

I'm going on a date with Puck. He's newly established his sexuality as "I don't give a crap as long as they're sexy", and decided he wanted me to be the first guy he took out.

I thought I'd go out with him to make Blaine jealous. Obviously he likes me, and if I go out with someone else, he'll be furious. Then he'll come after me, and we'll live happily ever after. The end.

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><p>Saturday October 10<p>

1:30 AM

Puck.. Puck taught me how to haha kiss properly tonight. Or at leats he told me he did. Haha It was really gross. He like stuck hiss tongue in my mouth adn breathed really heavy and it was.. nasty. It was like having a big large huge snail crawl into my mouth. And then writhe around all furiously. And cling to my tongue. And then have a slug leave ist slime all over my lips and teeth and tongue. I think he bit my lip so hard he drew blood.

I can't telll though. I think I might be drunk.

I had a logt to drink. But not sooo much that I should be drunk. Least I thinkso. Dunno for sure. Blaime Puck if ist true.

Sleep tiem.

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><p>Monday October 12<p>

4:30 PM

Apparently Puck is my boyfriend now. He made out with me in between all my classes and grabbed my butt a few times. Whenever some football player tried to hit me or slushie me, Puck would threaten to "jack them up" or something. I don't know. I'm confused.

And also, my head still hasn't recovered from my hangover.

And also also, Blaine doesn't seem to be jealous. THE EVIL ONE is glaring at me more than usual, though. I hope Blaine didn't tell him. That would be terrible.

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><p>Thursday October 14<p>

12:45 PM

Lunch just ended. Blaine talked to me again. I cornered him in the boy's bathroom, and he said he was sorry for kissing me and he hoped I was happy with Puck. I don't really know what to do.

I had to drag any words out of him through really awkward conversation, and I didn't even like the words he said.

All I wanted to do was kiss him and love him and he must have thought I was some creepy stalker because all he looked like he wanted to do was run away as fast as he possibly could. Kurt couldn't understand.

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><p>6:30<p>

Puck invited me to a party tomorrow night. A party at THE EVIL ONE's house. I'm debating not going. The last time I went out with "my boyfriend" I felt like crap- I got super drunk and insecure and felt really bad about myself. Plus, why would I want to go to a party at that douchecanoe's house? I wouldn't.

But.. I mean.. I don't know. Blaine will be there. And I really need to talk to him.

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><p>Friday October 15<p>

8:35 PM

Puck's picking me up shortly, and I have not even put on clothing yet! I literally have only my boxers on. I don't know what I'm going to do! Crap, crap, crap.

Writing in my journal probably isn't helping my situation, but still.. I need to think. I could wear the outfit I wore to the club the last time. But I really can't. That's wayyyy too slutty for a high school party, and Puck might get the wrong idea.

Puck might think I actually like him. Haha

Umm.. I could still wear those pants and the guyliner and the hair and just wear a big pretty sweater.. Yeah! That's what I'll do! That's perfect!

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><p>8:45<p>

Crap. Puck's here. And I'm not ready yet. Poop, poop, poop, poop.

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><p>8:47<p>

Puck's knocking on my door. I don't have a shirt on. He can't come in. Absolutely not. Nope.

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><p>9:00<p>

Dumbass came in my room while I had no shirt on. I shooed him out immediately, but it was still embarrassing. I mean, really!

I do look hot, though. So who can blame him? I'm ready now. We're gonna go and have fun. And I'm going to talk to Blaine. Hopefully. It'll happen.

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><p>Saturday October 16<p>

4:45 AM  
>Tihs is hapenning way to often. I dunno whatto do right now. Blaine duznt love me and Puck just.. just.. ugh I cant even just.. ugh. Why? Why duz this happen to me? Imma good personn. Rnt I? RNT I?<p> 


	6. Kurt FREAKING Hummel

**Hi guys! I've just been so inspired to write this story! I love it so much! Okay, a little warning before the chapter: this chapter is dark in comparison to all the other ones. It's not like, all the characters die dark, but it's pretty dark for this fic. It kind of needed to do this before it can be funny again, though. So, here we go! **

**I hope you like it even though it is dark. Let me know!**

_**Also, big news! *dramatic music* The 25th reviewer gets a one-shot! YAYY! So review- away my lovelies. :D :D**_

**I don't own Glee. Or Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging. **

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><p>Sunday October 17<p>

12:30 PM

I don't want to talk about the party.

* * *

><p>30 seconds later<p>

You can't make me do it.

* * *

><p>10 seconds later<p>

I DON'T WANT TO!

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><p>12:31<p>

Fine, I'll tell you.

Puck and I got to the party, and I was feeling really confident because I looked super hot. Puck kept checking me out, so I knew for a fact I looked hot.

Anyway, we got to the party, and I didn't know anyone. Obviously, that made me uncomfortable, but Puck told me to lighten up and that he would get me a drink. I didn't really see how I could lighten up when the house was so dark.. get it? Haha Yeah. I'm not really in the laughing mood either.

Anyway.. again, before Puck came back with a drink, I found myself in the middle of the living room dancing with someone. He had handed me a drink full of some unknown contents and told me not to worry about it when I asked what was in it. All the house lights were off, so I couldn't tell who it was. But it felt nice to have someone pay attention to me.

We were grinding and doing.. all those high school party dance things- which are kind of gross, by the way- when the guy asked me to follow him. I did, because I'm stupid. I followed him outside, because I'm stupid. I let him push me up against a tree and kiss me, because I'm stupid.

When I clearly showed signs of being uncomfortable, the guy told me I should branch out a bit.

…

Branch out a bit.

…

We were up against a tree.

…

I was in the middle of one of the most horrific moments of my life, and this guy just whips out literally THE BEST PUN I've ever heard. These things happen to me, and I don't know why.

But all I could do was laugh. He tried to start kissing me again, but he couldn't because I was laughing so hard. I just found the situation so hysterical. This guy was mouth-raping me up against a tree, and told me to branch out. How often does that happen? Not very often let me tell you..

Before long, the guy got really fed up with my laughter, and he said something that clued me in to who he was- since I still couldn't tell considering it was pitch freaking black outside.

"F***! No wonder Blaine doesn't break up with me for you."

It made both of us freeze completely.

"Sebastian?" I questioned aloud- it would not have been polite to say THE EVIL ONE out loud and to his face. It was one of the most dramatic moments of my life. The boy scoffed and probably would have played it off really well if Blaine hadn't turned the porch light on and found us.. THE EVIL ONE leaning against me, leaning against the tree, our faces very close together. It would have looked suspicious to anyone, and even though I hadn't been a willing participant, we had kissed.

My gut turned and twisted in my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. Right on THE EVIL ONE's shoes. He freaking deserved it.

* * *

><p>1:00<p>

So much more happened than that, but.. I am so emotionally exhausted right now. Maybe I'll tell you later.

* * *

><p>4:00<p>

Finn was at the party. I was supposed to drive him home, but I had been such a mess that he actually drove me home. It was really sweet of him to do that.

It was also really sweet of him to come ask me what's wrong about an hour ago. Of course, I didn't tell him, but it was really considerate of him to ask.

I asked him about the dildo to redirect the conversation. He turned bright red! It was hysterical! He said he ordered it for Rachel and then told me a bunch of things I reaaaally didn't need to know and don't want to rehash for you guys. It would be far too traumatic for us all!

But it was really nice to talk to him. It was like a girl- talk between.. *cringe* bros.

* * *

><p>Monday October 18<p>

1:20 AM

I just woke up from a nightmare. I don't remember what happened, but.. it wasn't good. Maybe I need to get the rest of Friday night/ Saturday morning out of my system. Maybe I need to purge my soul of it or something. I don't know..

* * *

><p>1:45<p>

I can't sleep. This isn't working.

* * *

><p>1:46<p>

Okay, readers. I'll tell you the rest- if only so I'll be able to sleep at night.

When Blaine first found THE EVIL ONE and I looking.. intimate.. he seemed really sad. He immediately withdrew from himself. His shoulders slumped, tears filled his eyes, and I wanted to hug him so bad. I felt like I had kicked a puppy. A blind, deaf, three- legged puppy.

Then, you could see the expression on his face change. Fury filled his entire body- or so it seemed. THE EVIL ONE let go of me so quickly I fell to the ground. I made some half- hearted comment about my jeans getting dirty that was ignored by both other boys.

Blaine started to scream at THE EVIL ONE about how much of a whore and a slut he is. How Blaine had trusted him and.. *cringe* Sebastian said he'd never cheat on Blaine again.

Again!? I was shocked! Who could cheat on Blaine at all! He is so gorgeous and beautiful and handsome and talented and…

Oh god. Then Blaine started yelling at me. He yelled about how he thought I liked him and how he thought I was his friend. How could I do this to him? The world hated him. He got rather hysterical, as tears fell down his cheeks.

I got mad. I got really, really mad.

I yelled back at him about how we're not friends. At all. He ignored me for weeks at a time after kissing me and leading me on. He treats me like crap. He has so many amazing things in his life like a hot boyfriend and me panting over him and good grades and popularity and he takes all of it for granted. I yelled that I loved him and I wanted him and he treated me like poop, like the scum of the earth, and only pays attention to THE EVIL ONE. I actually referred to him as that. THE EVIL ONE looked so offended. So Blaine should shut up. I let all of my pent up anger at him and THE EVIL ONE from the past few weeks explode onto him in that moment.

He stared at me momentarily in silence. Then he looked at THE EVIL ONE for a moment, before saying two glorious words to him..

"We're over." I had waited for that for so long.

Then he turned to me with a murderous, venomous, glare, the likes of which I had never seen. Not on Puck, Santana, any of the jocks, or myself. Dread coiled in the pit of my stomach. It was the perfect cinematic moment.

He continued to glare at me and said through clenched teeth, "you may love me, but there is no chance in hell I will ever love you. I don't even like you. There will never be anything between us because I can't stand you. Stop following me around. Stop chasing after me. Stop trying. Just.. just. Stop living, would you!?" He stormed away after that. I just sort of cried on the porch until Finn found me and drove me home.

On the way out, I saw Puck kissing some girl. I didn't even care. So much for having a boyfriend…

* * *

><p>Wednesday October 20<p>

4:30 PM

School is so different now. It's really weird.

Blaine isn't in Glee club. So I have nothing to do besides think about the assignments, which is weird. Because who thinks about the assignments in Glee? Nobody! Everybody thinks about drama or romance or sex during Glee. Besides Rachel. Rachel thinks about the assignments- as well as fame and Finn. Or whatever convoluted plan she has to make Finn notice her.

I think Finn and Quinn are dating again, because Rachel seems much more desperate, needy, and annoying. Or maybe it's just because I'm jaded. I don't know.

* * *

><p>4:45<p>

Sebastian and Blaine's split seems to have shaken the school a bit. They were one of the power couples, and now the school doesn't really know what to do. It seems as though people are picking sides.

* * *

><p>10 seconds later<p>

I refuse to take a side.

* * *

><p>5 seconds later<p>

They both suck.

* * *

><p>2 seconds later<p>

A lot.

* * *

><p>4:46<p>

I pick my own side, actually. It's time I support myself. I need to get back out there and be my wild, crazy, happy, spunky, self again. It's been a while since someone asked me if I'm mentally challenged. People only ask me if I have depression now, and that's a problem. I'm not going to let this situation bring me down. I'm Kurt Elizabeth FREAKING Hummel, gosh darn it! I can do this!


	7. Say WHAT?

**A/N: **_Thanks so much for the awesome response to the last chapter! You guys rock! :D_

Please ignore the paragraph below unless it pertains to you.

Next, I'd like to address one Guest review- which was poopy because then I have to address this here instead of in a PM- real quick: the person said that someone from Lima wouldn't speak Cleveland'ese (this is in reference to Chapter 1). Well, I'm from Ohio. Cleveland and Lima are less than 3 hours apart; the slang would not be that different. Kurt would also be speaking with more of a Northern Ohio/ Cleveland accent than a Western/ Central Ohio accent because it is more of a neutral accent; it is the accent most performers and newscasters use because it is the most widely understood around the country. Thus, it would make sense for Kurt to speak that way. I appreciate you checking my "geography and linguistics", but I didn't appreciate your tone.

Sorry for that abrasiveness, guys. Please don't hate me.

Anyway, _on with the fic. Enjoy! There's more drama here! Also, there's a little swearing at the end. Just a warning._

**25th reviewer still gets a one- shot! :)**

* * *

><p>Friday October 22<p>

5:15 PM

Blaine asked me to go over to his house today. He said he needed to talk to me. He told me his parents wouldn't be home so we'd be able to talk without interruption. I'm supposed to be over there in 15 minutes.

I don't know if I'm going to go. He's just going to yell at me. But… I could possibly plead my case.

* * *

><p>5:20<p>

You want to know what? I'm looking cute, I'm feeling confident- I'm going to go. Blaine's going to forgive me. I'm feeling really good about this.

* * *

><p>6:15<p>

I should not have felt good about that.

* * *

><p>10 seconds later<p>

I really should not have felt good going into that.

* * *

><p>6:20<p>

I mean, it started out great.

I was so nervous! I started hyperventilating out of nerves and excitement and I was going to see Blaine again after so long! We were actually going to talk, you know? Yeah. So I started breathing really heavy, and I need to lean against something, so I put my palms flat against the wall adjacent to the door, nearly making myself a 90 degree angle.

I need to be very precise when telling this story. It's important. You'll see how important it is in about three seconds when I stop talking about how important it is.

Anyway, I was bent nearly in half trying to catch my breath when Blaine opened his door. He must have seen me walk up the driveway. He walked out of his house and got a face full of my butt! Not literally, but my butt was rather close to his face. It was a good or bad moment depending on how you look at it.

Blaine looked at me questioningly as I quickly popped out of that position and leaned casually against the wall instead.

"There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!" I said immediately, attempting to appear cool, calm, and collected. The perfect picture of perfectness that I am pulled it off quite well, since I am perfectly cool, calm, and collected all the time. Especially in the face of danger and boys.

Blaine lifted his eyebrows skeptically, though he also looked quite amused. "Yes? And what is that?"

"Uh.. uh.." I stuttered brilliantly, because I am, after all, a direct descendant of Einstein. "I think I pulled a hamstring, so I was stretching!" I yelled at an uncomfortable volume, before bending over again. I was basically shoving my butt in his face again, but I didn't see him complaining.

In fact, I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it. He laughed and blushed.. so.. yeah. He liked it.

"You're such a laugh, Kurt." Blaine said before he led me into his house.

I don't want to _be a laugh_. I want to be a boyfriend. Gosh.

* * *

><p>6:45<p>

It all went downhill from there. Besides the fact that we actually went upstairs to his room to talk.. That's beside the point, though.

Blaine led me to his bedroom- which is huge and beautiful and so him, minus the overwhelming amount of stuffed animals- and sat down on his bed. He gestured for me to sit next to him, so I did. We awkwardly sat there in silence for quite a while. At least an entire minute. That was the most awkward minute of my life.

"Blaine-"

"Kurt-" We began to talk at the same time and laughed at the awful cliché. It was quite adorable. We are two quite adorable people who should be quite adorable together, and that moment was proof of our adorableness, but.. that probably won't happen.

Blaine looked at me from under his mile- long eyelashes; he was bashful and sexy and I just.. nnnnnnnnngh. But I couldn't jump him. I was there for serious biz. But letsbehonest, I would have jumped him if I could have.

Blaine put his hand on my shoulder and I almost died. Seriously. Right there. I almost died. It was the first time he had touched me since the Kiss- n- Run in the auditorium the other day, and chills ran up my back.

"Kurt, you need to apologize to Sebastian." WHAT!? I mean, what the actual, beeping beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep **beep beep beep beep **_**beep beep beep **__**beep!?**_ I just censored myself because I didn't think you guys could handle what I really wanted to write.

But for cereal, you guys. Really. WHAT!?

My mouth must have dropped open in shock- which is quite an unattractive look for me, but I didn't think about that at the time, and just continued looking like a large mouth bass in front of Blaine. He nodded his head at me solemnly.

"Yeah. You definitely owe him an apology. He told me exactly what happened, and I think we should call him and have you say you're sorry." He looked so completely sincere and genuine. If he hadn't, I probably would have thought I was being pranked. I told him that. I told him I thought I was being pranked.

"Am I being punked right now?" I stood up and faced him. I could not take what I was hearing him say. Was he seriously mentally challenged? He put his hand on my shoulder and sat me down calmly.

"Sebastian told me you took advantage of him in his inebriated state.." Blaine was completely emotionless as he said the next part. "I understand why you would do it. I know you like me. I get why you would try to get me to think he was cheating on me- so I would break up with him- and be with you." Blaine smiled a bit. "I get it. And I'm flattered. I really am. But my heart belongs to Sebastian."

I.. could not even believe his little speech/ monologue type thing. I wanted to throw up on him. What type of.. conceited mother BEEPER believes that sort of BEEP!? I… just. No.

I was so mad, I didn't say another word to him. I just walked out of his house and came back home to mine. I couldn't even look at him.

* * *

><p>9:45<p>

I think we need new names for THE SEX GOD and THE EVIL ONE. Names much more fitting for lying, conniving, conceited, beeping beepenheimers.

I could call Blaine THE CONCEITED BEEPING BEEPENHEIMER PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS THE SEX GOD, but that's far too long.

Maybe I could just call him a beeper and his lying skanky whore of a boyfriend a bitch.

* * *

><p>10:00<p>

When someone burns me, I don't just roll over. I get revenge.

Blaine and Sebastian better watch their backs.

Kurt Hummel is back, bitches.


	8. The Beech is Back

**A/N: **Thank you to Manningstar for all your help and for some inspiration within this chapter- there is direct referencing and quotations from you in there, so I really hope you like it!

Anyway, here is another chapter! I know this was a longer wait after I got a few chapters out once a day, but I don't think it took _that_ long, so I hope you guys enjoy!

Let me know what you think!

* * *

><p>Saturday October 23<p>

12:30 PM

I just met the most GORGEOUS older British guy in the entire world. I was getting coffee at the Lima Bean, and Adam- aka 00Sexy- was standing behind me in line. He offered to pay for my coffee and…

We're probably going to get married. He's taking a year off before going to college- he's trying to find himself. He's pretty sure he wants to go to college in New York, though. Adam is so perfect. He is so aware of himself and caring and he loves New York, and he's already showing signs of caring about me. He bought me coffee, and asked for my phone number. He asked if we could meet again!

I really don't know what I ever saw in Blaine.

But I'm still going to make his life a living hell.

* * *

><p>2:00<p>

Texted Puck and Santana. They're going to help me destroy Blaine and… Se… Se… Sebastian. That was painful.

Anyway, they're coming over at 6, and we're going to devise a plan on how to take them down. They're currently the Alpha Gays- practically the power couple of the school- and they need to be taken care of. I'm going to be the HBIC if it's the last thing I do.

* * *

><p>6:00<p>

Brainstorming- How to Take Down SeBlaine (blech) and Make Kurt HBIC:

- Enlist Puck's sketch friends to "dispose" of them

- Have them accidentally fall into a wood chipper and empty their remains in a river

- Sex scandal?

- Sue Sylvester. She loves Kurt- Porcelain- and hates Blaine- Young Burt Reynolds. She'd help. She has connections.

- Frame them for a crime so they'll be sentenced to life in jail

- Something involving Santana's underboob.

- Lots and lots of slushies

- JBI's website can blackmail them somehow

- Plant drugs in their lockers

- Guns?

Tentative Plan- HTDSBMKHBIC:

- Rip up their reputation, Gossip Girl style

- Sex scandal- Sebastian and Puck caught on tape

- Show Blaine sex tape

- Post sex tape on JBI's website

- DESTRUCTION ACCOMPLISHED

* * *

><p>8:00<p>

So you're probably wondering why Santana and Puck agreed to help me. It makes total sense, though! If you think about it really hard. Or don't think about it at all..

Santana says she really wants me to get the D. I told her I'm totally over Blaine and into Adam, but for some reason, she's dead set on getting Blaine to like me. She wants me to have his D, I guess. (D stands for dick, by the way. In case you are not savvy with the hip terms cool kids like me use now- a- days.)

Puck just feels bad about how our "relationship" went and wanted to make it up to me. Which is dumb, because I'm really glad we didn't work out. I would probably have gouged my eyes out with a spoon if he had stuck his slimy tongue in my mouth one more time.

* * *

><p>Sunday October 24<p>

10:00 AM

I'm going to meet Adam at a movie later. I'm pretty sure we're just going to make out the whole time. This is SO exciting! He's older than me, which means he's mature, and has experience. That's SO sexy. Ugh! I canNOT even believe it. I just can't. Mmmm.

I hope he's a good kisser. I hope he's better than Puck. Oh god! What if he's worse than Puck!? What if his mouth tastes like… like fish or something? What if he makes me want to puke? Oh my god! I can't go to the movies with him.. He might have fish breath. Who knows what the Brits eat!

* * *

><p>30 seconds later<p>

Okay, I'm fine. I'm good. I've calmed down. There was no need for me to panic. He won't have disgusting breath, and he's going to be the most fantastic kisser that ever lived.

Much better than Blaine.

* * *

><p>10 seconds later<p>

Don't think about Blaine.

* * *

><p>11:00<p>

This isn't working. I'm still thinking about Blaine. And not angry thoughts. Exciting thoughts. At least, thoughts that are exciting to my nether regions. OH GOD, WHO SAID THAT? PSHHHH, NOT ME! NOPE.

Adam. He's pretty cool.

* * *

><p>6:30 PM<p>

Adam is a laugh and a half! And a really good kisser! I had the best time with him. I can't believe I doubted it for a second.

We went to see some Rom Com, but I don't even remember what the title was, because the whole time I was so aware of Adam's hand holding mine and his body next to mine. I honestly thought we were going to make out the whole time, but we didn't. I was sorely disappointed by that, but.. whatever.

When we got to the car afterwards, I asked him why we hadn't made out the whole time, and he told me he wanted our first kiss to be romantic. He wanted to be a gentleman! I, of course, ruined that completely by pushing him against the car and smashing my lips against his. It was AMAZING! He just… it must be an older guy thing, but the way he kissed me and touched me.. mmm. It was magical.

I thought the ride home was going to be awkward, and it kind of was. Mostly because we had just made out and groped in a movie theatre parking lot… but… well, can you blame us?

* * *

><p>10 seconds later<p>

We actually passed a street called Morning Wood Dr. I almost died. Adam looked at me like I was crazy, but I couldn't stop laughing to explain it to him, so I had to turn the car around and show him.

He didn't laugh at all. He simply said, "The Morning Wood is actually a tree, also referred to as the Morning Glory." Adam said it with a completely straight face. He found no humor in the situation. I almost peed my pants.

"Morning Glory just sounds like someone is especially proud of their morning wood!" I burst out laughing at my own joke, but Adam didn't seem to find it funny.

Maybe it's a British thing.

* * *

><p>45 seconds later<p>

Or maybe it's an old person thing…

* * *

><p>5 seconds later<p>

That made it sound like I went on a date with a senior citizen. Ew. Gag me with a spoon. He's not nearly that old. Just a few years older than me.

He doesn't need a cane or dentures or anything, don't worry. Though he did mention his back hurting…

…I'm not sure I'm cut out for this age difference thing.

* * *

><p>Monday October 26<p>

11:30 AM

Puck has Sebastian's phone number; he didn't explain how, he just told me he got it. He sent him a text during second period about meeting at some point to hook up. He hasn't received a response yet. Puck told me he'd forward me the response as soon as he got one.

* * *

><p>12:05<p>

_FWD: Meet me in the janitor's closet by 105A. Now._

I just got this text from Puck. I'm in the middle of class! I don't know what to do! Puck doesn't have any recording devices on him, and he's completely unprepared. This is NOT going according to plan. I do not like this. I do not like this AT ALL. Also, Blaine is in this class with me, and I can feel him glaring at the back of my head.

I don't know whether I want to glare back at him or suck his dick. DID I SAY THAT? NO!

* * *

><p>1:15<p>

I met Puck after the class he skipped to meet Sebastian, and he looked completely disheveled. He had a poop- eating- grin on his face, and looked like the cat who got the cream. It made me absolutely sick.

I asked him what he did, what his plan was, how we were going to proceed with the plan, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

He simply told me that he and Sebastian were going to meet again the next day, and he planned to be prepared the next time. But that he might as well have enjoyed it while it lasted.

Ew. I seriously want to barf.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Let me know what you think! I really hope you enjoyed this. :D


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